By Jeff Brown
www.boredfactoryworker.com

“You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you.” – Ray Bradbury
“I must stay drunk on writing so reality doesn’t set in and I have to enroll in Bigfoot School.” – Jeff Brown
What do I want to be when I grown Up?
During the weeks leading up to my layoff from the factory last December, I put a lot of brainpower into what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. This was my big chance, I thought, to pursue my dreams. It’s time to turn the page, turn over a new leaf, turn lemons into lemonade, and turn that knob on the door of opportunity and step in it, so to speak. Then I heard on the news that funding for NASA’s manned space program had been canceled.
Well, I guess it’s back to the drawing board for me.
Although my ambitions of becoming an astronaut have been dashed, I’m not letting it get me down. (Hey, Mr. Obama, how about spending a little of that stimulus money on something that actually matters, like, say, sending me to the space station so I could float around in zero gravity and flush the space toilet. That would be so cool.) Believe it or not, I have other (if not more realistic) dreams too.
For instance, I’ve always wanted to be a newspaper columnist. Although the pay at this stage of my writing career sucks, (they don’t call it “free-lance” for nothing) the fringe benefits are terrific. My old job had big inconveniences I had to deal with daily such as a “boss” and “regular working hours.” Can you believe I was actually expected to show up every day at the unholy hour of “the morning” and do things like “work?” (Oh, the memories. I shudder just thinking about it.)
Now I can write whenever I want, day or night, and it doesn’t even matter. Heck, I don’t even have to be dressed to write. In fact, I could write an entire column in my boxer shorts (a somewhat unpleasant image, I know) and you, the unsuspecting reader, wouldn’t be the wiser. At my old factory job, the boss was perpetually concerned with how often I visited the bathroom. Heck, nowadays, I could write an entire column in the bathroom if I wanted to.
Special Note to the Editor: You might want to wash your hands after proofing this story.
But, I know I have to be realistic. I need a career of some sort to fall back on in the unlikely event that I don’t make it as a writer (please, please, read my columns!). That’s just the way I’m wired- always dreaming big with my head in the clouds and my feet planted firmly on terra firma. This is why I’m contemplating higher education in the sciences. After hours of research, (I fell asleep the other day with the History Channel on) I’ve narrowed my areas of interest into three entirely possible and realistic career goals.
Ufologist.
Paranormal Investigator.
Bigfoot Researcher.
My personal favorite is “Bigfoot Researcher.” (I wonder if the University of Phoenix has a good Bigfoot program.) I also know that in today’s world of rising unemployment rates and challenging job markets, it pays to have multiple marketable skills. This is why I’m thinking about majoring in Bigfoot and minoring in UFO’s. (Realistically, I think of ghost hunting more as a hobby.)
So, after writing this column, I’m going to grab the bull by the horns and enroll in Bigfoot school. A little insurance policy in case nobody likes my writing (please, please, read my columns!). Chasing Sasquatch won’t be easy and I guess it’s true what they say: the hardest part of any journey is taking that first step. But, before I do,
I’d better put my pants on.